Friday, April 4, 2008


Tuesday, April 1, 2008

We humans like a good joke, and we're not above making our friends and family the butts of these pranks, especially when the powers that be have set aside a day purely for that purpose. The first of April releases something within us that at other times during the year we attempt to keep bottled up. Yet whatever social constraints we normally submit oursleves to, it is the amateur joker in us that comes to the surface every first of April, leaving us contemplating secreting ketchup in the shower head on this day or filling the sugar bowl with salt.

The first of April pranking takes place on a larger scale too, with the media likewise giving into its urge to pull the wool over someones eyes, if only for one day. Throughout the years, those who we trust to provide us with reliable facts and honest reporting have themselves pulled an hilarious, and some have been meanspirited, yet they've all been part of the insanity and deception of the day.

Some jokes have been pulled by those we would hope they know better. In 1989 two police officers in Utah were suspended without pay for a couple of days for their April Fool's Day prank of placing invisible dye (used by police to catch criminals and normally put on money) in restrooms in the city-county building and the mayor's office. The colorless powder dye turns a dark purple when it comes into contact with the skin. It's harmless but takes a while to wear off, as the mayor found out when it turned him into a 'marked man.'

Over the years I have played my own pratical jokes on this day. From telling my boys that there was no school, but it had snowed a foot over night, only to have them be disappointed the second they looked out the window and saw nothing but sunny skies. Some of my jokes have even been played against law enforcement. Many years ago, before having children, I decided to mess with an officer who had been giving me a hard time, by using a piece of cut intertube and placing it over his tail pipe to his patrol car. It made the funniest noise when he drove away.

Last night around 12:45 am I played a little prank on some Sand Springs police officers, by making them beleive that I was coming over to their town to start 'trouble'. Of course it was just a joke, but I'm still not sure how they took it.

Just once a year we have the opportunity to play a unforgettable prank, which means the books will never be closed on this topic. I hope those who I have pranked today, forgive me tommorrow.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Trying to Remember

An elderly couple with memory problems are advised by their doctor to write notes to help them remember things. One evening, while watching TV, the wife asks her husband to get here a bowl of ice cream.

“Sure,” he says.
“Write it down,” she suggests.
“No,” he says. “I can remember a simple thing like that.”
“I also want strawberries and whipped cream,” she says. “Write it down.”
“I don’t need to write it down,” he insists, heading to the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later he returns, bearing a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs.

“I told you to write it down!” his wife says, “I wanted fried eggs!”

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Weird News from around the world

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

11. A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

12. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

13. Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

14. Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

15. George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

16. Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla, in 1981, sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

17. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

18. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

19. Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.

20. In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit, Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.

21. While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

22. In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.

23. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

24. An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, coming to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.

Insect Joke

Warning contains Adult Language

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."

To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

The First Man

A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart. On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance.

The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"

She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"

Monday, March 3, 2008

Nudist Colony

An elderly man decides to join a nudist colony. He asks if he can just wander around the grounds to decide if he really wants to join.

He strips and goes for a walk. After a while the man becomes tired and sits on a bench to relax. Along comes a beautiful woman and the sight of her causes the old man to become excited. The woman, noticing the man's erection due to her presence, goes over and satisfies him by performing oral sex on him.

The man is thrilled. He hurries back to the office and tells them he wants to join immediately and pays his dues.

The old man lights up a cigar and goes out for another walk. While walking, he drops his cigar and bends over to pick it up. A young man sees the old man bent over and goes over and performs anal sex on the old man.

The elderly gentleman hurries back to the office to cancel his membership.

"But why," asks the person at the desk, "you just said this was one of the greatest places you ever visited."

"Yes," replies the old man, "but at my age I only get an erection once every three months, but I drop my cigar five times a day."

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Why we live to be 80

The Way it Started

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

A Hippie, A Nun, and a Bus Driver

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with ladies about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.The next day, the local paper headline read:

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.The next day the paper read:

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.The next day the headlines read:

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ASS and you'll be a lot happier and live longer.

Cute Babies

Monday, February 11, 2008

Great Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10-lb weight loss program.The next day, there's a knock on the door, and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss Company.The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs as promised.He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20-pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50-pound program.'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.''

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it, he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Laughter Quotes

We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.--Agnes Repplier

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.--Mark Twain

The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.--Bill Nye

Laughter is by definition healthy.--Doris Lessing

Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can.--Elsa Maxwell

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.--Edgar Watson Howe

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.--Bob Newhart

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.--Jay Leno

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.--Jimmy Buffett

I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the world.--Peter Ustinov

Man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter.--Joseph Addison

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.--Larry Gelbart

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.--Lord Byron

He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.--Koran

In this life he laughs longest who laughs last.--John Masefield

He who laughs, lasts!--Mary Pettibone Poole

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.--Michael Pritchard

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.--Victor Borge

Laughter is inner jogging.--Norman Cousins

You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.--Stephen King

Beware of too much laughter, for it deadens the mind and produces oblivion.--The Talmud

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.--W. H. Auden

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.--e e cummings

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Make Me Giggle

Turn your speakers on!
Move you mouse back and forth
OR up and down OR in circles
OR anyway you want to move it.
This is guaranteed to relieve all your stress.
Move your mouse across the page when you open this program.

Click here

Friday, January 25, 2008

Paw Won’t Like This

One time there was a farm boy coming to town with a big load of hay. Just after they crossed the Cow Creek bridge near old man Johnson farm, the horses got to acting up, and caused the entire load of hay to fall. When old man Johnson came out, he saw the wagon laying on one side, and a pile of hay big as a mountain laying near on the ground. The farm boy was running around wild-eyed, and looked as if he was going to bust out crying and was repeating over and over, “Paw won’t like this,” he said shaking his head back and forth. “Paw won’t like this at all!”

As soon as he saw that the horses weren’t hurt, old man Johnson did his best to get the boy to calm down. “Don’t worry son,” he said, “It ain’t your fault. Things like that might happen to anybody. You just take that team of horses up to my barn, and come eat dinner with us. After dinner me and the hired man will help you stack that hay back on the back of your wagon.”
The boy says he would like to have dinner, but his paw wouldn’t want him to leave the wagon.

“Don’t you worry about that,” says old man Johnson. “I’ve known your paw longer than you have, and I’ll tell him all about it.”

So the boy took the horses up to the barn and fed them. Then he went over to the house and ate a big dinner with the family.

After dinner they all set on the porch awhile, belching and picking their teeth. Everybody tried their best to cheer the boy up, but he continued to act terrible uneasy saying, “Paw won’t like this. I better go back to the wagon.”

The folks just laughed, and said for him not to worry. “The first time I see you paw, I’ll tell him you ain’t to blame,” says old man Johnson. “Maybe I’ll tend to it this evening. Is you paw in town today?”

The boy looked at old man Johnson kind of bewildered, “Why no,” he says, “paw is under that there hay.”